at the edge of a new landscape

late night ramblings to clear my mind

I’ve hit a bit of a block with my writing. I’ve found myself beginning pieces that feel profound for me, that really dive into topics that I’m excited to explore…and then I realize that those topics hold keys to things that I haven’t been able to explore within myself because I didn’t feel safe enough to do so, until now. Equipped with the tools I need to safely scale the walls down into these new depths, I find myself hesitating at the edge.

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When I started seeing a therapist back in 2019, it was right before my marriage ended. The main objective was to really address my core wounds, and then once my marriage did end, it was to help me prepare to be in a relationship again as a healthier version of myself. I didn’t want to bring my past into whatever I may step into in the future. Together, we did a lot of work to peel back the layers to expose who I truly was underneath all the false narratives and conditioning. By the time we had to end our working relationship, I was unable to go deeper. Putting it into a visual, it was like I spent those two years digging up layers of soft earth until I finally reached solid rock. It wasn’t that I had completed my journey, it was that I didn’t have access, or maybe the tools I need to continue my excavation. We tried different techniques, and I just couldn’t pierce the surface. So that’s where things left off. Knowing there was more but being unable to do much else for the time being.

I continued on with life, feeling confident and overcoming a lot of obstacles with my new perspectives and renewed energy. I had belief in myself that I had lost or lacked before, and things were good. I trusted myself; I was in a great relationship with my inner child and my joy was at the wheel of my life. Things were looking up and I was handling the challenges with as much grace as possible. But then 2023 happened, and it’s been rough since then. I been through a lot since March of last year, something I will likely cover in another post, and it hasn’t been easy. I’ve come to realize I need to go back to therapy, but something is different now. The hard, solid rock that was impenetrable before is now soft and pliable. In my recent experiences I’ve gained the tools I lacked prior, to now access this space, which is a beautiful realization. I feel safe enough within myself to move into the caves of my subconscious mind where even more lies in wait to be unearthed. But with that comes more intimacy, more vulnerability, more shattering of the ego. While I like to think I am able to go deep, deeper than others, there are still parts of me that I have been afraid to look at. There are still parts of me that make me feel like a helpless little girl, alone in the dark.

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I find myself standing at the edge of this new landscape, peering down into what I’ve been blocked from up until this point. I’m excited, because it means so many wonderful things. It means I’m finally ready. But I am also terrified because I don’t know what I will find there, what other demons I will have to unleash in order to heal and integrate the aspects of me that still haunt me day and night; the ones I can’t seem to soothe or quiet no matter how hard I try. I feel like I’m waiting for someone to take my hand and lead me down, someone to be a life raft when I feel the currents are too strong for me to tread water.

Before it was all mindset and reprogramming. But this…this is trauma. Trauma that has been buried deep beneath the surface, locked away to protect my fragile mind. This is the reason I have spent my life disassociated. This is the cruelty that lives within me, that inflicts the worst kind of pain onto my own self. This is the origin of the voice that tells me that I’m a terrible person, that all I do is wrong, and that I don’t deserve all the wonderful things that life is constantly trying to give me. The voice that tells me that the bad things that happen to me are all my fault. The voice that convinces me that I am inherently evil. I am ready to face it, but I am afraid.

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I’m writing this off the cuff, with no editing or second thoughts really. Maybe I’ll come back to it and expand upon it, when I feel less disorganized in my thoughts. I just need to get it out of my mind, in hopes that I can continue with the other pieces I’ve started but have run into blocks with. I know it’s not something I can simply write away, but I also know that releasing it bit by bit will at least give me some type of relief for the time being…and that’s all I need right now.