butter over too much bread
"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter that has been scraped over too much bread." - Bilbo Baggins
For several days I’ve been feeling my ribs slipping in and out of place. My spine doesn’t feel like it can support me too long, and I think I permanently screwed up my shoulder last month, even though I tried really hard to be slow and intentional with my movements. And this is only a few things I’m regularly dealing with.
Even though hEDS is something that has been with me since birth, I’m still struggling with the fact that its not something I can fix. My diagnoses has felt like both a gift and a curse. On one hand I have relief knowing I can stop trying to “fix” this body, but on the other it has just added to the list of things doctors told me I cant fix but only manage.
I am still working through not getting angry when I have to lay in bed all day. Still working through the voice in my head that wants to use this to fan the flame of feeling not good enough for care. Thoughts creep into my mind like my sister telling me that “no one would want a single mom of two with no job” (bless her, we were still growing) but now with the added bonus of being disabled and not just wanting help but needing it…i’m just trying to acknowledge the feeling the best I can. My hope wanes a bit, but I try to remain optimistic. I try to move away from the ever pervasive idea that I am nothing but a burden.
I used to just want the kind of support I actually needed, which eventually led me down the path of thinking it was all too good to be true. A pipe dream. Now, it is actually what I need to be able to function the best I can, and I worry if it’ll ever be a possibility for me.
My body is broken. I wake up in grief every day and mourn endlessly for all the parts of me that are lost. I have gained a sovereignty in my mind, heart, and soul. But my body is bound by what has been passed down for generations. Some things you can’t escape, no matter how hard you try. You can only change how you relate to it, how you live life and take action with that knowing.
That is the lesson of Saturn in Pisces. That is what it looks like to rule time in a space where the boundaries of time dissolve into the sea.