in my job era
when will it end? i don’t fucking know but I’m tired
You know the guy in the bible that really loved God, and then Satan was like “he’s only faithful cause you give him shit” and God was like BET (which is weird cause isn’t gambling a no-no? anyways…). So, then Satan went and wrecked Job’s entire life; taking all his shit, offing his family, inflicting physical, mental, and emotional pain, driving him to the point of wanting end it all? Yeah, that Job. We’ve got some things in common. Except he didn’t curse God, and I’ve definitely sent up a few fuck you’s.
Recently, during my daily journaling/card pull ritual, I began to spiral. In hindsight, it was because I skipped my opening prayer/intention that sets the tone and provides protection. A mistake I will not be making again in the future. One thing you don’t do when using tarot, is use it while you’re emotionally unstable. I didn’t go into it that way, it just happened all of a sudden.
In the midst of my chaotic episode, I reached for my bible and desperately asked for a word. To be completely honest, I rarely touch the book unless I feel called to it. At this point in my life and with my beliefs, I see it as a great esoteric resource. It’s not my end all be all, as I’m no longer religious, so I only reference it when I feel like there is something there that is meaningful for the moment. This was one of those moments.
I fiddled around with the pages, hoping something would just feel right to open up into. Something to calm my frantic mind. I got frustrated and nearly gave up when it split open to a page past me had bookmarked with a little piece of art I had made last year. The book it opened up into was that of Job, and it was placed at the final chapter. Thank God.
I made this piece of art on September 3rd, 2023. The day before, I had made the following journal entry:
Day 3475225666 of God asking me to be patient and wait. To not worry. To just hang in there a little longer.
I feel like I've exhausted my resources, done everything I can. I don't know what the future looks like.
The day I spiraled out of control, I was in a similar place. You see, things have been rough for a while. In February of 2023, I was reaching a peak in my career goals. At least that’s what it felt like to me and based on my own standards of success. I had been actively pursuing modeling for 6 months, something I have attempted before and have desired my entire life. In the summer of 2022, I moved back to my home state to give it a real shot with the newfound self-confidence I had been diligently cultivating. It was a slow and steady process, but in hindsight I was making big strides there towards the end of that half year period. By February, I was in NYC for a private casting call for an up-and-coming designer that would be having a showcase presentation for NYFW. While I wasn’t casted, this was HUGE for me. I was an independent model, 6 months in the game, surrounded by signed models. This was a win for me no matter what.
I flew back home on a little high, and things continued to feel like they were progressing in an upwards motion, until they didn’t. I had a few things on the books, but they started to fall through. I started to get sick, my kids kept getting sick, and the healing we needed kept being just out of reach. I attended a casting call for a local agency, even got a call back, only to never hear from them again. And then we lost our home, leaving me in a desperate state trying to figure out where my kids and I would live.
Unlike Job, I didn’t have a copious amount of wealth to start with. Financially I was struggling and had been for years since my marriage ended at the end of 2019. But I was abundant in faith and inner strength. I had my kids and our minimal amount of belongs, the things that I truly valued and made me feel blessed. So, that’s what was stripped away. I remember having to dismantle my altar to stage the home we were in for pictures to list it on Airbnb, a last-ditch effort to make some money to pay the rent, and it DESTROYED me. My altar is an extension of me, and in that moment, it felt like someone was stabbing me through the heart and then ripping it out. I was in the midst of many tower moments — and to top it all off — increased psychic activity (thanks to Uranus straddling my 8H moon).
Fortunately, my kids could go stay with their dad while I did my best to figure something out. That ended up being the longest I’ve ever been away from them. I found a work-trade opportunity back on the Big Island after following the intuitive bread crumbs that led me to the listing. In order to earn money for the flights, I donated plasma, with the second and final time definitely nearly taking my life.
After returning back to Hawai’i, things didn’t necessarily take a turn for the better. I nearly got a job thanks to a friend at a local spot, only to have to quit the day I was supposed to start because I suddenly began having debilitating panic attacks back to back, which I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. I was completely broke, barely eating because I couldn’t afford food, and quite certain I had an actual heart attack at one point.
I eventually moved back onto my parents property and into our covid era tiny home, which added an entirely new layer of dread to my life. Being back home was not something I wanted, and I tried my best to move away with every effort being thwarted. Soon I gave up, and when I did, something magical happened. I was hired for a remote position and had a steady flow of income for the first time in a LONG time. I was building my credit, being more financially responsible than I’ve ever been. I was able to spend a little on myself and my kids. It wasn’t anywhere near a livable wage but it was more than I had been living off of and it felt amazing.
However, once again, life had other plans. Over this past summer I suddenly became ill with unknown digestive issues, followed up a trip down covid lane, and the mental spiraling that came with a sudden diagnosis of Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. It’s not the scariest diagnoses, but it was difficult to hear yet again how life long issues went overlooked and unsupported. My health, physically, mentally, and emotionally, was so bad that I had to quit my job and I was back to square one. No money, credit score back to shit, can’t pay my bills, and nothing working out. Since then I’ve discovered more about my life that has sent me into spaces that I’m sure will manifest more clearly, once I’ve stopped abusing this vape pen. But I’m here, and I’m okay, and things could be worse but they aren’t.
Through other unspoken little shake-ups throughout out the past 2 years, I began to feel numb to life. Void of whomever had been occupying this vessel prior to all the chaos. Slowly life is seeping back into me and my world, but it all still remains so unknown and unfamiliar. I’ve been changed, however I’m still not sure if thats for better or for worse. Maybe this sounds silly, like I really shouldn’t complain, but it all shook my world so violently. I’ve made it a practice to not down play my personal experience, so I remain steadfast in telling my story.
Fast forward to today. Things aren’t really much different. More settled emotionally, but the conditions remain. My faith and hope for something to shift waxes and wanes just as the moon does, but I’ve settled into the changeability of it all. I’m not always grateful or willing to look for a silver lining, but I’ve grown to extend myself more grace for not meeting an ideal way of being thats been etched into my subconscious since birth. I am imperfect and I will yell at sky daddy. If Jacob can wrestle with God, so the fuck can I.
Like Job, I have no idea why my reality has unfolded this way thus far. I’ve begged and pleaded for an answer to my “why?!” but it’s kept from reaching my ears. Sometimes the details of things are simply not meant to be a part of our knowledge repository. The purpose is instead revealed through my experience.
Each moment of agony and despair were and are micro pivots in my direction, shifting me ever so slightly into a course redirection. Painful, yes. Frustrating, of course. Did I mention I sent up a few fuck you’s? However, I can clearly see how one thing led to another and that I’m exactly where I need to be, even if parts of life remain unclear.
I’m not entirely fond of the notion that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” as if to say we should be grateful for the harm and pain we’ve endured. But If you asked me if I wished things were different, I would tell you that this is not a part of my character development I would want to erase. The emotional fortitude I have gained from such an experience alone is worth its weight in gold.
Job and I may have vastly different approaches to our relationship with a higher power, but we have one thing in common: the knowing that suffering is only temporary. Things never stay the same, the good or the bad. It is all a part of the natural flow of life. Internally, how long you remain in either place is dependent upon the choices you make and the perceptions you hold about yourself and life.
Besides that, regardless of the fits I throw and the anger I feel at times, I know I’m always provided with what I require to keep going. I don’t have enough fingers on my hands to count the instances I have been in desperate need of something and it just crops up out of thin air, as if I have some reservoir of tiny perfectly timed blessings from past good deeds. The proof is in the pudding of my life. My perception of the suffering I experience is rarely accurate when I’m deep in the throws of my wailing. I am, in actuality, abundantly blessed in many ways.
This extended chapter of my life has brought me unfathomable grief that at times I know I’m still processing, and I’m sure whats shared doesn’t even come close to conveying the feeling of experiencing it all. But it’s also shown me how resilient I am. How strong my intuition is, and how deep my faith runs when I can manage to surrender to the unknowns. It has granted me access to vital parts of myself that were lying dormant and could only be activated by upheaval and uncertainty.
Wisdom isn’t taught; it’s gifted through experience. For that, I am utterly grateful. But also, still a lil mad cause wtf.